New Breaking Dawn Photos! (All in the name of research…)

I’m just loving these new photos from the new  Breaking Dawn movie, which, in a gift from the Lord himself, is being released a day after my 32^nd birthday, on November 17th.

Inevitably I’ll be hungover, or still drunk, and I’m sure I’ll love nothing more on that day than curling up on a cinema seat and watching a film intended for girls a third my own age. Um… well…until it hits home through the haze of sweet intoxication that not only am I clinging desperately to my youth by involving myself in a mass marketed vampire/werewolf franchise for teens, I’m also, by proxy, slightly sadder than I was when I saw Eclipse. Cripes!

Oh fuck it. Who cares? I’ve watched the others, so I’ll be damned if I’m not watching this one, too. That’s the thing about sequels and corresponding movies, though, isn’t it. You might start watching them at an acceptable age, but by the time the final instalment comes about, you’re deemed as too fucking old; someone who should know better. I remember the first Harry Potter coming out and it was perfectly fine for me to show up in pigtails and order a huge slurpie and throw popcorn at people… (well it wasn’t, obviously, but you know what I mean). If I do the same thing at the next one, Jesus, I’ll have 16 year olds telling me not to be such a baby.

Mind you, these things didn’t stop me and my mate going to watch Never Say Never the other week, (oh yes, we did). We told ourselves that watching two hours of Justin Bieber was “research” to excuse the fact that we were the only 30-somethings in there. It was research though. So’s Twilight…. I suppose.

With my eggs getting older by the day and my bank balance declining by the second, I need to know exactly how to make the most of my child prodigy when he/she finally comes along. He or she is having piano lessons at 1-month, French, Hebrew and German classes at 3-months and yes, if they want (and they’re short enough to have eventual money-making jockey-potential), they can have a pony. And if he/she so much as sings along with Elmo, it’s off to stage-school with them, till they make me some frickin’ money.

Yes, they can even play vampires and stand semi-naked under waterfalls if they like, as long as I can go, too. I’ll be sure to put videos of everything on YouTube – first fart, first burp, first shop-lifting spree. But I’ll keep the very special stuff back, once they get discovered, so when the Hollywood producers come calling, looking for footage for the movie, I’ll have a ton of bonus stuff to get the punters flocking and we’ll all get even more money at the box office.

I just hope that by the time this finally happens, I’m not too old to enjoy it. Mind you though, in that case I’ll just do what it looks suspiciously like Justin Bieber’s mum did, which was spend a shit load of her talented kid’s fortune on fixing up her face. Worked for her, it can easily work for me. It’s gonna be awesome!

Having a ‘Breaking Dawn’ breakdown….

WAIT! Before you disregard this post as a predictable rant about the joy that The Twilight Saga brings to lives on a daily basis, look again. I am, for once, going to say something marginally negative (maybe) about the series, which may please all you naysayers, who still can’t quite believe a few books about vampires and werewolves have changed the course of destiny for quite so many people. (WHICH THEY HAVE, so get over it.)

Anyway… I don’t know if it’s my age coming into play here, but looking at this still from an upcoming bedroom scene in the movie ‘Breaking Dawn’ I was forced to re-think my acceptance of the everlasting love between vampire and human. My first words were not the usual: “Awwww, look, isn’t this lovely, LOOK EVERYONE, look, isn’t this sooooooooo cute, look at my screen. LOOK. No, I know you don’t care about Twilight, but seriously LOOK, just look, pleeease look. Oh fuck off then, HATER.”

Nope. My first words were actually: “Urrrgh. This is gonna be a disaster”.

I know!!! I don’t know where it came from. My sudden negativity stunned me. What could have possibly changed? Is there a course of rehab for things like this? I wanted to go back to the way things were, to the floaty-like feeling of happiness I used to feel whenever I saw Bedward in a scene of such emotional intensity. But all I felt was numb.

Worried, I raced home and picked up the book. Perhaps I could find within its pages, a reconnection to the characters, a reason to re-think. But again, I couldn’t shake the nagging feeling that the final story would be terrible on-screen. For a start, a stolen kiss, a halted grope on a mattress was all fair and good in the first three films, but how can they do the upcoming sex scenes justice without upsetting parents all over the globe? The Christian faith had enough trouble with Harry Potter appearing to practice black magic. What the hell are they gonna say about werewolves “imprinting” on babies, or 100 year old, concrete dead men tearing feathers from pillows in scenes of sexual indulgence with teenage girls?

Poor Stephanie Meyer could find herself demonised in the eyes of those she has so far, done nothing but impress. I’m scared for her. YIKES!

I fear her original message, of waiting till you’re married before enjoying any nookie, will be totally lost on parents who haven’t bothered to read the books. Her carefully woven, intricate tale of werewolf Jacob finally imprinting on the half-human/half vampire child of his former beloved will be totally overlooked. It’s amazing and beautiful and poignant to those who’ve followed it since the start (OH SHUT UP, IT IS!!!), but all they’ll see are humans shagging vampires, and animals looking to fornicate with children. Arrrgh! It’s just all so WRONG. Unless, they do it right.

Is it totally sad, how much I’m thinking about all this? Hmmm….

Having been blessed with the teaser pic above, the Twihards of the world united in a day long Twitter based rant yesterday, in sweet anticipation of the final two movies. Even Robert Pattinson himself admitted at the Golden Globes, that he couldn’t believe they released a “sex scene”. He also told MTV, “It’s always awkward, in a way, doing it with anybody, but at the same time … it really depends on how it’s staged and stuff. It’s like doing Twister.”

Oh my. Be still my beating, mortal heart. Are we to assume these scenes are long and complex, like a game of sober Twister? And how will we ever see the PROPER, torturous misery of Bella’s spawn spurting through her human stomach before her firey, burning change into a vampire, without slapping on an 18 rating and turning all the teen fans away, in tears?

I really hope Breaking Dawn doesn’t cause a breakdown.