Tag Archives: Dubai

Dubai’s ‘Spiderman’ and the filthy handprints…

29 Mar

Some people are just mental, aren’t they? This French daredevil dude, who’s in all the papers for climbing the Burj Khalifa in Dubai, clearly has issues. He’s being called ‘Spiderman’, which I think is a bit silly because we all know Spiderman used awesome webs that shot from his palms in order to climb buildings. Spiderman didn’t need any ropes – pah!

Allegedly Robert first climbed a building at the age of 12. He only did it cos someone locked him out of his apartment, but after he’d climbed 8 stories to get through a window he thought, woweeeeeee, that was cool. I’m gonna do that again. And he did. He climbed the Empire State Building, and the Petronas Towers, and a whole bunch of other buildings. And no one stopped him. But now Alain Robert is 48 years old. Hmmmmm….

He’s obviously going through some sort of elongated mid-life crisis, not to have stopped yet. Most men going through a mid-life crisis buy a fast car, or get a Jacuzzi installed on the front lawn, or cheat on their wife with a receptionist (doesn’t even have to be their own receptionist). But not Robert. He wanted to be Spiderman. He even bought some red pants. Shame they’re not spandex.

I remember when I watched them building the Burj Khalifa from my bedroom on the landing of the inventor’s villa. It looked like a twig sticking up from the sand, it was tiny at first. Then it grew and grew and grew like a giant alien hand grabbing at the sky and I thought, man, that is gonna be a REALLY big building. Totally the biggest ever. And it is. It’s the tallest in the world! It’s so tall now that it has 160 floors and apparently Alain Robert took about six hours to climb it!

As if that wasn’t nervewracking enough, though, he had a zillion people crowding round at the bottom, egging him on, and an ambulance crew, in case he fell. Not that they’d be able to do much if that happened, right?! I hardly think anyone’s gonna save a bloke who’s fallen from the 160th floor, onto concrete… or try and catch him, for that matter. He’d be coming at you faster than a speeding bullet. Not so much Spiderman as Superman. Unless Dubai’s built the biggest and bounciest ever bouncy castle, along with the biggest ever building, to soften the blow, of course. That would be amazing!!! Imagine. Everyone would wanna climb up there, just to fall off and bounce like a baby back into the sky!

I do feel sorry for the window cleaners though. It’s bad enough they have to go up there washing bird shit off all those windows, but imagine rubbing at someone’s greasy handprints, too. Tut. Twice as long! And twice as much Windex. How rude.

I also hope Alain’s not disappointed, now he’s done it. Well, he’s climbed the world’s tallest building, hasn’t he. What’s left for him to scale? He might have to settle for a receptionist after all.


It’s getting hot in here, so put on ALL your clothes…

25 Mar











God damn you Gisele Bündchen – how DARE you reveal your ugly flesh to the people of Dubai?

BAAHAHAAA!!! I love this. Poor supermodel Gisele’s campaign is just too darn hot for H&M in the Middle East. She’s had to be photoshopped wearing extra clothing so her pics can go on display in all the shopping malls and mags over there.

Mmmm…. Nice. We’re just loving that faux white t-shirt under that delicious ensemble. Makes me wanna rush right out and snap it up, (the white t-shirt, not the floral pantaloons).

I remember when they did this to a friend of mine, during Ramadan. They’re normally more strict in the holy month. My mate wore a black dress with a plunging neckline to a party and when the piccy appeared in Hello magazine’s social pages, she’d been “dressed” with a beautiful white polo-neck jumper underneath.

Nothing makes you feel more like a whore than being covered up in a trash mag.

Way to go Dubai!

Burqalicious Bonus! Deleted Pics…

9 Mar

So, here it is. The latest in my series of deleted entries! Not so much an entry, this one – more a series of photos that there wasn’t room for in the book. If you haven’t read it yet, GET CRACKING, but if you have, you can look at these along with the part about the Iransion, when Stacey and I set up camp unwittingly on an Iranian inventor’s landing. Ah, memories. We stuck it out for a good four or five months I think, creeping in and out of his massive villa, trying not to piss ourselves every time we saw the fleet horse sitting on the driveway. This is it, in colour:

The fleet horse is an invention powered by… yup, a horse. He stands on that little treadmill there inside, behind the driver. I think the vehicle (if it can be called that?!) has a little motor too, but mostly it just moves when the horse starts to walk. Its awesomeness still astounds me, it really does. I often wonder what he’s done with it. You can still see his website here! I don’t think that’s a real horse in the photo, by the way… he must have just superimposed it in there for the picture’s sake, but you get the idea. He fricking LOVED this invention. There’s a piccy of it in the book of course, but I don’t think black and white does it justice.

Anyway, in the book I’ve also mentioned the inventor’s artistic streak. In the days when he wasn’t tending lovingly to the marketing of the fleet horse, he was creating beautiful works of art that he liked to dot about the villa. We lived in a room off his landing upstairs (he had the whole bottom floor), and we’d often come home to find new pieces stuck to the walls. To set the scene, here’s the landing we lived on:

Beautiful isn’t it? He really made it very homely for us. And you can probably see the poster of the children on our bedroom door there? In case you can’t, here’s a close up:

We often thought he might have stuck it there as a representation of Stacey and I, two roaming orphans at a crossroads in our lives, Dubai being the dusty equivalent of this lonely, windy moor. But we never did find out. It just haunted my dreams the entire time we lived there, as did this one:

This one was actually on the wall in our bedroom. We never dared take it down as the Iranian obviously thought he was doing us a favour by displaying his lovely, special piece in our room, instead of somewhere downstairs, where he could look at it more. Mind you, he’d quite often come into our room to discuss his latest inventions with us… and ask us to work with him… so who knows, maybe he was just looking for an excuse to check we were still admiring his mysterious lady painting.

I have a few more, but I’ll have to dig them out. Seems like so long ago now! You know what… I actually miss not knowing what to expect when I come home these days. Sometimes there’s a cat shit on the floor, or some white fur, or maybe a cockroach, but on the whole, life in Bondi isn’t half as exciting.

Burqalicious – Deleted Diary Entry…

16 Feb

Behold! It’s time for another deleted entry from the book. And no, not just because I’m feeling unoriginal and can’t be arsed to blog properly today (well, OK, maybe a little bit). This one was written and photographed shortly after Ewan and I moved into our new place together on the building site. Can’t believe we actually lived like this, haha!

04/08. An unfortunate blockage…

This. Is. Bullshit. Seriously, the last thing I need right now is to find my entire apartment block cordoned off for no apparent reason.

My building faces the desert. I knew this when I moved in. I also knew there was no corner shop in the vicinity, so buying milk and loo roll is an expedition I have to plan three days in advance and one that, thanks to the climbing temperatures, I cannot face without a bottle of water and a taxi.

Exhibit A – helloooo, can anybody reach me?

Getting a taxi was no problem before the barrier went up. One could simply wade across the driveway/nine foot stretch of sand to the main road, and flag one. But now, as seen in exhibits A and B (taken from my building’s porch) I am expected to walk a mile in either direction in order for one to stop.

Exhibit B – I’m over here, I’m starving, I’m really hot and sweaty!

In true Dubai fashion, we have not been informed as to why this barrier has appeared. There are no signs of explanation, no posters for residents, apologizing for the inconvenience. The doorman muttered something about them extending the road, but quite where they’d put it is beyond me. Are they doing away with the lobby of my building, now? Is my apartment so old and decrepit by Dubai standards that it has to be demolished altogether? It was built in February, 2008, after all.

Also baffling is the sudden appearance of a bus stop, as seen in Exhibit C. Quite how the bus is supposed to stop in the middle of a main road, with such barricades in place, is beyond my realm of understanding. Are the passengers expected to take a running hurdle into the vehicle, over the unfortunate obstacle? The bus stop didn’t exist when access to the road was available. Come to think of it, I haven’t even seen a bus for months. It’s clearly a tease.

Exhibit C – WTF?

Exhibit D displays the birth of a mysterious invisible entity, which is so rare, so precious, that it requires protection from a gaggle of traffic cones, blocking access to the five inches of tarmac left for us to use as a pavement… forcing us once more, into the sand dunes. Again, there is no explanation. No apology. No nothing.

Exhibit D – WTF? (part 2)

I am VERY angry. Like I said, I do not like to dwell on such a list of negatives, especially as our apartment, once we get inside, is actually starting to feel like home, but what the fucking fuck is this a-fucking-BOUT? (Rage).

(Oh yeah, if you like this, there’s another deleted photo entry here)

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