New Breaking Dawn Photos! (All in the name of research…)

3 May

I’m just loving these new photos from the new  Breaking Dawn movie, which, in a gift from the Lord himself, is being released a day after my 32nd birthday, on November 17th.

Inevitably I’ll be hungover, or still drunk, and I’m sure I’ll love nothing more on that day than curling up on a cinema seat and watching a film intended for girls a third my own age. Um… well…until it hits home through the haze of sweet intoxication that not only am I clinging desperately to my youth by involving myself in a mass marketed vampire/werewolf franchise for teens, I’m also, by proxy, slightly sadder than I was when I saw Eclipse. Cripes!

Oh fuck it. Who cares? I’ve watched the others, so I’ll be damned if I’m not watching this one, too. That’s the thing about sequels and corresponding movies, though, isn’t it. You might start watching them at an acceptable age, but by the time the final instalment comes about, you’re deemed as too fucking old; someone who should know better. I remember the first Harry Potter coming out and it was perfectly fine for me to show up in pigtails and order a huge slurpie and throw popcorn at people… (well it wasn’t, obviously, but you know what I mean). If I do the same thing at the next one, Jesus, I’ll have 16 year olds telling me not to be such a baby.

Mind you, these things didn’t stop me and my mate going to watch Never Say Never the other week, (oh yes, we did). We told ourselves that watching two hours of Justin Bieber was “research” to excuse the fact that we were the only 30-somethings in there. It was research though. So’s Twilight…. I suppose.

With my eggs getting older by the day and my bank balance declining by the second, I need to know exactly how to make the most of my child prodigy when he/she finally comes along. He or she is having piano lessons at 1-month, French, Hebrew and German classes at 3-months and yes, if they want (and they’re short enough to have eventual money-making jockey-potential), they can have a pony. And if he/she so much as sings along with Elmo, it’s off to stage-school with them, till they make me some frickin’ money.

Yes, they can even play vampires and stand semi-naked under waterfalls if they like, as long as I can go, too. I’ll be sure to put videos of everything on YouTube – first fart, first burp, first shop-lifting spree. But I’ll keep the very special stuff back, once they get discovered, so when the Hollywood producers come calling, looking for footage for the movie, I’ll have a ton of bonus stuff to get the punters flocking and we’ll all get even more money at the box office.

I just hope that by the time this finally happens, I’m not too old to enjoy it. Mind you though, in that case I’ll just do what it looks suspiciously like Justin Bieber’s mum did, which was spend a shit load of her talented kid’s fortune on fixing up her face. Worked for her, it can easily work for me. It’s gonna be awesome!

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