Tag Archives: unemployed

God help the unemployed…

18 Feb

This week I don’t have much to do, so I’ve been thinking about writing another book – a work of fiction. This scares me a bit because I don’t know what might come out if I can’t restrict myself to actual happenings in the real world. I don’t even know if I can do it, but I don’t really have a choice because generally, when you’re unemployed and have no money and no boyfriend, not a lot actually happens in the real world. Non fiction sort of gets a bit boring. I suppose I could write another book about getting up at 10am every morning, sitting on my sofa, looking for my perfect job on the Internet (which doesn’t exist because no one’s ever advertised the position of Creative Unicorn Herder and Rainbow Expedition Guide) and giving up and going to the cinema to take my mind off the fact that I’m so bored and boring. This book would be called “Bored and Boring”, and no one would buy it, cos it’d be boring.

I just posted a random ad on Gumtree to see what happens, as the fact that I’m poor is bothering me. REALLY bothering me. Soon I won’t be able to dine out anymore, or buy wine. I haven’t bought a new item of clothing in days. It’s ridiculous. Here’s what my ad says.

Subject: Writer looking for ANYTHING,

Body: And by anything, I mean within reason, obviously. I’m a writer/copywriter and author (I like saying that) but I’m also pretty good at answering phones (I’m a Brit so I have a nice accent!) and I’m friendly, fun, organised and more than capable at doing most things… except manual labour. Don’t ask me to lift, scrub or operate heavy machinery. If you have any ideas or work for me, let me know! I’m bored.


I hope someone writes back. If YOU have a job for me, fellow bloggers and readers, let me know. I’m willing to travel… especially to the Maldives, or Bali. Hell, I’ll even go to Blacktown.

It’s funny, but when you tell people you’ve got a book out, they sort of look at you a bit funny, and assume you’re really rich. Let me tell you this, fellow writers, having a book out does not make you rich. Unless it’s about vampires snogging werewolves, who are in turn dying for the day when they can shag your half-human baby. Or a wizard who once lived in a cupboard. Or a lion who lives in a wardrobe. Or a boy who sleeps in the same bed as a fat, male gnome with big ears. THOSE authors are rich, but not the other ones, like us. Most of us, I’m learning, aren’t even living in castles with turrets. It’s a bit disappointing really, but that’s just the way it is.

Ooooh, a man just rang me. Says he has a job for me in the CBD. He had a funny accent… but then, so do I. Says he’s gonna email me details. Hope it’s nothing too seedy…

I squid you not…

15 Feb

Today on the eternal job hunt that seems to be my life, I’ve found some amazing positions up for grabs! As well as the usual career-slanted search I thought I’d branch out and see what else a person like me could possibly do before giving up altogether and running away to Laos. It really is incredible what you come across on city message boards.

The first one that caught my eye was this:


Assistant required to acompany me on many trips to luxury hotel properties usually in Australia and Asia (helps if you can speak an Asian language) low pay but includes lots of free travel and free accomodation, something like a free holiday, send your photo (optional) name and number.”

Now, aside from the glaring spelling mistakes here, and blatant grammatical errors (rather surprising for a travel writer, I’d have thought), this sounds like a person I want to know! I’m sure he’s totally legitimate, whoever he is. And I’m sure he only wants my photo to make sure I’m the exact age I’ve said I am on the resume I’ve sent, complete with my full address and phone number (just so he can really track me down). God I hope he writes back!  I know I don’t speak an Asian language but hey… I could learn. He seems sorted. Imagine the adventures we could have together, (before he slits my neck in a hotel bathroom).

The other one is this:


The Just Group of companies are looking for a FIT and ENERGETIC walker to distribute our company flyers and pamphlets into letterboxes across the Sydney Metropolitan Area.

The only requirements are that you have your own car, are honest, reliable and FIT.”

This also sounds like easy money, which is always a bonus, but… correct me if I’m wrong, doesn’t having your own car imply you’ll be driving, not walking? And if so, how is this keeping you fit? This has put me off a bit. Plus, the ad implies you’ll be getting fit while doing the job, but then goes on to state you must already BE fit, when you apply. I wish people knew what they wanted before they advertised jobs on the Internet. Honestly, it would save us all so many wasted application forms, in the long run.

I also found an intriguing position as a squid cleaner in the Sydney fish market, which I have to say, offered a rather impressive hourly wage, but I’m not so sure I could do the hours. Fishermen and other fish-folk get up at stupid o’clock and I’m way too lazy for that. Plus, my friend said she went out with a fisherman once, and he always stank of a dead snapper. I guess it goes without saying, but for a single girl, that’s not so hot. It was bad enough when I worked at McDonalds years ago, when I was at uni. I smelled like a Big Mac by the time I finished my shift; a giant, human burger, wafting gherkin and special sauce all over the place… which was probably quite alluring to starving student types, now that I think of it, as with my sumptuous stench came the promise of free food. But at 31, I don’t really need to smell like a squid to get people to like me. Or maybe I do. I’ve never tried it. I shouldn’t think so, though, really.

Can’t wait to see what’s on offer tomorrow! (Sigh)

%d bloggers like this: