Hello? Jesus? Are you nearly here yet?

11 Jan

AHOY! Brisbane is under water. It’s soooooo sad and scary, I’m sitting here at work watching the tweets roll in. It’s a full on national disaster. To make matters worse, the UK have just woken up and added their depressing “shock/horror/misery” angle to what was already freaking the hell out of everyone – thanks Britain. Maybe now you’ll stop whining about all your blizzards?

Anyway, Queensland State Premier Anna Bligh has called the flash floods Queensland’s “darkest hour” and said: “The event that started in Toowoomba can only be described as a complete freak of nature, an extraordinary deluge that almost came out of nowhere.”

I honestly think there’s something in this 2012 stuff. I mean, not that I’ve ever read it, but isn’t all this tragedy in the Bible? Is this freak weather all over the world, the start of a countdown??

The other week nearly 100,000 fish were found dead in an Arkansas river in the States, and then thousands of birds tumbled from the sky on New Year’s Eve. More birds fell to their death in Louisiana a few days later, more fish washed up and then even more birds were found in Kentucky and Italy. They blamed fireworks for the birds… like they all suddenly freaked out and flocks of the poor sods just fell from the trees in utter torment. But people have been letting fireworks off for years – it’s never caused mass birdicide before. Is the “government” hiding something? Is this is a case for Mulder and Scully… or Jesus?

A director at the regional zoological institute told The Daily Mail “We are fairly confident the (Italian) birds died as a result of massive indigestion brought on by over-eating.” Errr…. really? OK Fair enough, Italians are known for enjoying large portions of food, but these are BIRDS. Birds don’t overeat. People overeat when it comes to birds, sure, especially chickens (Mmmmmm Nandos,…). But birds don’t eat that much. And they don’t fall out of the sky in mass quantities either.

And now the floods! Seriously, what the hell’s going on, people!?? Are all these rain-clouds masking a giant spaceship, with Earth-shattering laser-beams programmed to kill all wildlife before obliterating humankind and replacing us with faceless, pleb-like bubble men who won’t leave so much as a fingerprint on Earth, let alone a carbon footprint?

Twitter just informed me that “current indications are that flood levels in Brisbane will surpass the 1974 peak by Thursday.” I think God’s fallen asleep in the bath and left the taps running. Is Jesus really about to come back and walk on all that water? And what would we all do if we saw him? I think we all know the answer to that… he’ll be carted off for experimental purposes before Coca Cola even get the chance to ask for a sponsorship. The planet is DYING!

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Stop the world. I want to get off. (BE SAFE BRISBANE!!! xxx)

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