Who wants a mouse that sings like a bird?

21 Dec

What ever happened to a nice partridge in a pear tree? Or a few French Hens? Those are always nice at this time of year. Get Japan involved however and that partridge will be oinking like a pig as the pear grows wings and flies off into the blue (or miserable fucking intolerable AWFUL Christmas-ruining snow WHITE, if you’re in the UK). I’m really worried about what they’re doing to mice over there at the moment. Have you heard about the mutant mouse who was “accidentally” bred to tweet like a bird? It’s true! There’s even a video of it, here:

MENTAL!!! They’re clearly all really proud and slapping each other on the back, but really, what’s so great about it anyway? They’re tolerable enough in animated movies (except that despicable Chipmunks shit, which should NEVER have seen the light of day) but the last thing we need is singing rodents in the real world. They’re bad enough when they’re quiet, scurrying around leaving shits that look like raisins all over everything. Ugh. Imagine if they sang like birds while they did it. Imagine if your whole student house was full of birdsong! It’s bad enough when the pesky crows and sparrows wake me up in the morning and they’re not even in my house. They’re outside, on a branch, on a tree, where they should be.

If mice learned to sing, they’d tell their other mates how to do it, like rats. And cats eat rats and mice, don’t they, so would cats learn to sing, too? In 2050 will the whole world be overrun with singing animals? Will we all be stuck in some Disney-esque horror film, squealing the way mice used to squeal before they gave it up and found their voices? Will humans be forced onto the streets as singing creatures take over our lovely homes? We’ve already got films about spaceship-flying penguins and rats who cook gourmet cuisine like Jamie Oliver – are they all a frightening premonition of what’s in store, if the Japanese keep messing with evolution? Will humans start to evolve with no ears, in order to block out the misery of animal song? Will we shrink through fear and grow more hair to protect us from their cruel torment? Will we turn into mice??

I don’t think the Japanese have thought this through. According to the paper, Dr Uchimura/Frankenstein dreams of even further “evolution” of mice through genetic engineering. He says: “I know it’s a long shot and people would say it’s ‘too absurd’… but I’m doing this with hopes of making a Mickey Mouse some day.”

Yes Dr Frankenstein, it is too absurd. And you’re freaking me out. Stop the world. I want to get off.

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