What do you mean you’re off to a party? We’re all gonna die!

16 Dec

Have you heard about this bloke in America who’s spending all his money on printing billboards, warning us that the end of the world will occur on May 21st, 2011? I can’t believe no one’s listening to him! I mean here I am, sitting in an empty office while everyone else who’s been in the company longer than three days is off at the Christmas party (dressed as sailors), and I read this. As if I’m not miserable enough as it is. Bloody HELL.

Mind you, if I’ve only got five and a half months left to live, I shouldn’t really be stomping round a bar in a stripy neck scarf and boat shoes, screaming “shiver me timbers” at people I don’t know and drinking rum. Even though that sounds like fun…

But no. I should be warning people. I should be urging as many fellow humans as possible to bulk buy tins of tuna and cans of beans, to finish digging their underground Armageddon-proof chambers and book all those expensive holidays to far-flung places while they still have time, before their hard-earned cash is burned to a crisp and the only thing left scuttling on the face of the earth is cockroaches, and Karl Sandiland (probably, ugh).

It’s such a shame though, that this news has been broadcast at the worst possible time. Half the planet’s out at a Christmas party. As I write, I’m guessing 75% of the world’s employees are off in bars, in fancy dress, snogging under mistletoe, walking fake planks in front of the boss for laughs, riding the waves of intoxication. The rest don’t believe in Christmas and therefore, Edwin Ramos’s message, which apparently comes from God, is rendered ridiculous and ignored.

He read it in the Bible and everyfink, but STILL there are those who mock and scorn. Terrible. Some of Edwin’s employees… the ones who haven’t quit through fear of their boss’s imminent mental breakdown, have even admitted they didn’t notice these signs, until the laughing journos pointed them out. Imagine! This bloke, Edwin Ramos, is so passionate about his claims that he even wrote another book, after the one in which he stated the world would end in 1994 didn’t sell very well. How can we not listen!?

It’s admirable really, the fact that he’s ploughing on. “The billboards cost $150 per month, and there is a $375 charge to install the artwork,” Ramos told a reporter. “Thank goodness that the owner is giving me a six-month lease.”

Yes, thank goodness. Although… Ramos, you did just say that we’ll be all be dead before that lease is up. Perhaps you retain some element of optimism about the whole thing?

Anyway, it’s probably best to err on the side of caution. If you’re about to step out to a Christmas party, too, perhaps you should think about not coming back. Five and a half months isn’t long at all. Go on, have another rum.

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