Have You Seen My Husband?

1 Dec

I haven’t left the house at all today. I have received exactly 49 emails, been to the toilet 5 times, hung one towel over the shower rail and stared at the cat staring out of the window at the rain. I haven’t showered. I have checked my phone for missed calls 1098 times, even though it’s been next to me the whole time, on the duvet. I ate bacon in bed. I’ve barely left my room.

But wait! Put the violins away, godammit! While the current lack of jobs (or my seemingly unemployable ass) has been getting me down, I have since considered that perhaps it’s a sign from the universe! Perhaps I am just not meant to have a job… or a writing job at least. I was half joking when I considered being a waitress in a Bondi, but maybe I really should. Perhaps I am supposed to get another sort of job, now. And perhaps this other job is meant to lead me to my future husband. I mean… who knows, it’s a possibility, right? He hasn’t sauntered onto my path thus far in the media world. And everything happens for a reason.

I have been working on another book for a while, which is actually going to be called ‘Have You Seen My Husband?’ I’ve been logging all the bad dates, the travelling tales, the continuous fruitless search for ‘the one’ that all single people are on but hardly ever admit, all as a result of an astrologer telling me I’d better find ‘the one’ in the next 18 months. He said that if I didn’t, I’d miss my chance for planetary bliss, as after that, Jupiter will be doing some very funny things in Uranus (ahem).

I’ll admit it, the bastard scared me. I’m looking and I’m looking hard. I don’t know if anything will come of this new book, but I’m thinking it will be pretty boring if I don’t look absolutely everywhere, won’t it? I can’t just wait for my lovestruck hubby to knock on the door. Granted, my flatmate brings some lovely men around sometimes… but all they see is a slovenly layabout with greasy bacon smears on her face, in crumpled Batman pajamas.

I know the first paragraph of this blog (and indeed that last sentence) doesn’t paint a very attractive picture of a single woman with lots to offer, but that’s just who I am, so fuck off boys if you don’t like it. You can’t change me. Whoever my Prince is will have to love me anyway. It’s in the contract. Anyway, in the dawn of realisation that perhaps I should move on to another realm of the working world, I have found some lovely sounding jobs on Gumtree, like this one.

It claims to send ‘backpackers’ round the country over summer, selling for an energy provider. I LOVE ENERGY! I’d be good at that. It even claims to make employees up to £1200 a week. Too good to be true? Surely not. Why lie? I have emailed to find out more. I have also applied to be an admin assistant at a law firm. I did this once before in London and got a whole floor to myself, with my very own fancy espresso machine, which I called Wilson (I was so alone). But there were some hot lawyers walking round if I remember rightly. Something like that would be cool at this point in my “career”. I’d hardly have to do anything, except bag a rich hottie. Bonus! Ooh, I also put an ad up to say I’m looking for any job, and I just got a lovely response by SMS:

“I want to learn a lot 4rm u and I like 2 b a friend 2 u…plz im interested to make friendship with you…if possible can we meet… plz can u replay…thnx”

See! A new friend. I can’t wait to meet up. Whoever it is sounds AWESOME. Come to think of it, I shouldn’t stop at Gumtree, should I? I should spread my phone number over the whole Internet, post it on lampposts, wear it on a t-shirt when I head to Kings Cross. Think of the lovely, genuine people I will meet on my ultimate quest to get married. This could be fun…


4 Responses to “Have You Seen My Husband?”

  1. Andy Whitehead December 1, 2010 at 8:26 am #

    Two things

    1) I hate to burst the ENERGY bubble but I went for a similar job in London a couple of years ago and it was the most soul sucking year of my life. It will be part of the Cobra / Arcadia / PERDM group, or similar. 100% commission based pay (hence saying we “aim to get candidates up to….” and “working outdoors” means you’ll be doing door-to-door or street selling – it’s not as glamorous as it sounds. Just wanted you to know in advance

    2) I’ve found myself in a very similar situation in the last couple of weeks. There was a three day period where I didn’t get out of my He-man pajamas. I too have been thinking of getting out of the IT rat-race an living a more manual, hands-on kinda life. So, if worst comes to worst, we’ll run away together, go and get married and live on a farm if you want. The offer is always there :o)

    Always be amazing missy x

    • Becky Wicks December 1, 2010 at 8:29 am #

      HAHA! I am dying to see what they say when/if they get back to me. And I want to see your He Man pjs, are they as cool as my Batman ones? When we marry and live on the farm we can wear them all the time and no one will be around to tell us not to! x

  2. Daniela December 1, 2010 at 3:55 pm #

    Well, I am, no word of a lie, sat here in …drum-roll please…. PENGUIN PJs!

    I have manicured, pedicured, made damato sauce with polpetti and have been on the phone to various ‘UK’ based called centres regarding my somewhat on-the-fritz laptop. WHY, and you should do a piece on this, WHY if according to the automated voicemail, ‘you may be on hold longer than expected due to adverse weather conditions’ (I’m presuming this is because people that work in call centres are too wealthy to make it into their offices in Milton Keynes after a touch of snow), WHY after 20 minutes on hold and £13 later, is the effin person answering, INDIAN?! They are in India. No joke. The lying sons of …..

    So, to get back to my pj wearing point, I too am debating my own worth in my career. I find myself getting more and more cheesed off with idiots, working for idiots, and idiots reaping 90% commission from my work.

    I am a drop in the ocean and am feeling it. Flex, my oldest friend, you and I, we are not on a straight path. Ours is one with rocks and boulders and ‘do not walk on the grass’ signs in the way waiting for us to climb over, ignore and move on. And how funny, we chose this route.


    Regarding love. Bare with me, the point will come… 4 and a half years ago I walked out of a studio that were paying me very well but because of incredibly bad management, one afternoon in December, I told them ‘I wouldn’t work for you again if you were finally medicated’ and I walked out. Buying ‘taste the difference’ replaced by ‘basics’.

    Since then, my finances have come and gone… and diminished, only for me to realize that if I had never left, I would have never fought for positions with better companies, I would not know half of what I do know (now) about lighting, camera equipment and other much needed information about photography and I would be without some of the wonderful friends I met along the way.

    My point is, this is not rhetorical, it can only be answered by you – You may not have ‘Mr Right’, but would you give up the last decade of your life, the traveling, the experiences, the sun, sea and one hell of a tan, for him? For love. I can honestly tell you, and I know we are very like minded (passionately speaking), the moment you stop looking, then it happens. Work, love and maybe marriage.

    Try not to force it, because phoning the arsehole 73 times in one day because you had a row last night because you couldn’t agree on what to watch on tv. As soon as you turn your phone off and mentally dump him (or stop looking for him, whatever), they call.

    This may have all seemed rather epic so I leave you with these wise words… nil illegitimi carborundum.

    Dani wani

    • Becky Wicks December 1, 2010 at 10:30 pm #

      That is such a lovely comment, thanks Dani! Yes you have always taken the road less traveled as far as your career goes and taken chances, which I am VERY proud of. You’re right, things will hopefully all come together xx

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