I always thought I’d make a good paparazzi…

20 Apr


…but after today I know I was wrong. Very wrong. At one point, as I was standing on the deck watching Kim Kardashian step off a boat, a big man stood on my foot. Another knocked my pathetically small camera and another turned as he was zooming past me to shout: “If you wanna be a pap, you’ve got to run!!!”

Eff off, I thought. I don’t run for anyone. Patronizing bastard.

She was rather beautiful, in an overly made-up, orange way. Although I didn’t much like her dress. Or her 12 inch heels. Or her whinging American drawl when she asked her fleet of homosexual hottie men and female cling-ons where her sunglasses had gone. I stood behind her as the commotion commenced and took a picture of her ass, as I hear she’s had implants in her butt cheeks to give her more curves. It definitely looks like she has. Fucking stupid if you ask me… why doesn’t she just shove more cake down her face and get a job on a swivel chair like the rest of us? Oh…. right… because that would stop her making workout DVD’s, sex tapes with her boyfriend (the last one leaked and scored her a $5 million deal with with Vivid Entertainment – kerching!!) and trashy TV shows about her life, which basically consists of doing not much at all, really. Apart from looking hot.

I’ve considered the fact that maybe I’m jealous of Kim Kardashian. Hmmm. She does have nice hair I suppose. But seriously, I think I’d rather be anonymous with a modicum of talent and dignity than rich and famous for flashing my body parts. I mean… she’s gonna be old one day. Her bum implants will be somewhere round the base of her spine while her tits are round her knees and who wants to go out with a circus freak?

And what does she actually DO, anyway? I hardly care enough to Google her and find out. Oh, alright, I will…. Hmmm…

Ah right… OK, so according to Wikipedia, in July 2008, Kardashian announced on her blog that she was “working on her own perfume line to be released in 2009.” That’s nice. Bet she labored for hours in that laboratory, mixing all those chemicals, shoving her barnet into a hairnet and conversing with the “cool sciency people”.
“The perfume, Kim Kardashian, was released into stores in February of 2010.” Was it? Bloody hell, I must have missed that. Shit. I really want to smell like an it girl now… all leather handbags and chiwawa! But wait, there’s more.

“In March of 2009 Kardashian launched an endorsement with Shoedazzle shopping…. Kardashian co-owns a clothing boutique called D-A-S-H with her sisters Kourtney and Khloe.” Ah that’s awesome, I guess. She must spend aaaaages behind that desk, sorting out the tills, dealing with the accounts and… oh wait, no, she doesn’t. She just gets on boats and planes and… her tits out… while everyone else flounders in the shadows of her awesome presence and watches as she takes the credit.
Nice Kim, love your work.

I have to say though, it was good to see life through a pap’s eyes. They’re the people behind the person behind the person who made someone else famous. They’re the bottom of the Hollywood food chain, the plankton in the ocean of fame. God… how depressing.

I guess I could do it as a hobby. You never know, I might get a hot-shot that’d propel me to the top. I might end up making a fortune!!! Or at least… enough to get an ass reduction.

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